homeward bound
by glitterings
Summary: the moments between waking and sleeping are the hardest and i just need you here with me. —neji/tenten, neji's death, and the aftermath


disclaimer – naruto + co. belong to masashi kishimoto, aka not me

dedication – for you, always

notes – yea hi this is sad, enjoy

 **all we have is now**  
 _and it is enough_

The night before they head out to war, they find each other on the roof of the Hokage's tower.

They are silent for a while. The air is balmy and thick with tension, promise, even fear – they sit so close that their shoulders touch, and her hands ache and tremble like they have a life of their own, like they know something she doesn't. He is warm, so very warm, and she leans into him, very slightly, almost unnoticeably.

"Funny," she breathes, "we've gotta stop running into each other like this."

A rumbling sound begins within his chest and bubbles out of his throat. She recognizes it as a chuckle, a sign of comfort in response to her sad attempt at humor.

She is still trembling. She tries very hard to be still – but he has known her for so long that even the slightest tic of the eyebrow holds great meaning. She is his partner, his _yin_ , and she's had his back for as long as he can remember. Sometimes, he forgets that forevers don't exist here – that nothing is guaranteed. Thinking of a world without her makes his chest tighten uncomfortably. He takes her small, rough hands – hands that have tortured and killed, hands that have cradled and loved – within his own.

They are lambs ready for slaughter – though far less innocent, seemingly more prepared, and yet scared all the same.

"You say that like it's a coincidence," he murmurs belatedly. He brings her hands to his lips and breathes softly, his warm breath washing over her fingers. "And it's not."

Tenten shivers, but somehow she finds the resolve to look him in the eyes, pale and bottomless, and – to anyone else they'd be unreadable. But she's always been the exception to his rules, so she whispers, "Then what is it?"

His lips curl into a very small, secret smile, feeling the cool press of a silver band hanging from a chain around his neck. It is tucked beneath his clothes, away from her eyes, and he says, "Fate."

In another world, he would whisk her away from the village and they'd start over, together. In another world, they would not be afraid – but even Neji realizes that death is inevitable in this world and every other. No amount of preparation could ever make them ready to face a world where the other does not exist. As shinobi, their beginnings, middles, and ends are all muddled, but it's not the end. It can't be – not yet.

Tenten closes her eyes and sighs.

 **we are left with stillness  
** _shaking, consuming_

The day she loses him, they are fighting on opposite ends of the battlefield.

Just moments before, she finds herself standing alongside what is left of the Allied Shinobi Forces. Her fingers are twitchy, itching for the taste of metal, and she has entered her zone. She can't afford to get distracted by thoughts of Neji and the future, so she pushes down the bright hope that sparks in her chest and focuses on doing her part to help trap the Ten-Tails.

Quietly, she gives herself one allowance: she sends up a prayer to whatever gods are listening to keep Neji safe. The sooner they finish this war, the sooner she can allow herself to think about it – all of it.

Her body springs to action out of habit, out of instinct. This is what she was made for. The air reeks of smoke and devastation, and victory bubbles in her chest for a single second before –

She can't quell the horror that rises inside of her when the Ten-Tails breaks free and moves away from them, destroying lives in its wake.

They failed. They _failed_.

Tenten is exhausted, so tired that she can barely see, but she wills her legs to move, and she stops next to Lee.

The dust clears, and the world is quiet.

She's heard that trauma can make you feel like time is frozen. As if the world stops just so you can catch your breath. As if the universe cares that parts of you have been ripped away, and it wants to give you this small moment of peace as apology for the injustice.

Time doesn't freeze, but she does.

Faintly she hears Lee sobbing next to her, and the quiet whispers and soft cries coming from her teammates. She hasn't so much as moved since her eyes registered the scene in front of her, but she can imagine the shock etched onto their faces, the sadness in their eyes, the wrath hiding in their palms. Naruto is shaking, holding Neji's body, covered in blood and tears.

Tenten doesn't remember much after that. She is taken to a medical tent and assessed for physical damage, but she passes out mid-exam and wakes up in a cot with Sakura at her bedside, holding her hand.

"Hey," she says softly. "Need anything? Water? I can get Lee for you, if you'd like."

Tenten doesn't give her any indication that she might have heard anything that Sakura said, until she squeezes her hand.

Sakura's lips twitch into some semblance of a smile, and she releases her hand carefully. Smoothing her hair down, she leaves the tent.

Tenten is alone.

There is a brutal, crushing weight atop her chest and she thinks she is hyperventilating. She thinks she might actually die. She thinks she survived all of that just to die from a panic attack –

She shuts her eyes tightly, but all she can see is him, ghostly pale and just out of her reach. He is too far away, and she can't catch up.

The day she loses him is the day that she doesn't have his back.

This is the price she pays for survival.

 **this nightmare is endless**  
 _waking feels just as terrible_

The afternoon of Neji's funeral, Tenten finds herself alone once again.

It's the first moment she has had to herself since that night in the tent. Everything after his death is a dull watercolor blur of things she can't bring herself to care much about. All she wanted was to bring him home, like he deserved.

She has been standing in front of his grave for close to two hours now. The incense has burned out completely, leaving ash and the lingering scent of sandalwood.

Tentative footsteps scuff the grass behind her, but she can't bring herself to turn.

"Tenten?"A gentle hand touches her arm, and she meets Hinata's sad eyes.

The familiar sting of nostalgia hits her hard just then, and she is reminded that she will never look into Neji's eyes, those beautiful pale eyes, again. Her fists tighten, nails curling into the meat of her palms, and it is all she can do to keep from crying.

"I just… I wanted to give you this. Neji would have wanted you to have it."

Hinata takes one of Tenten's fists and uncurls it, the corners of her mouth trembling at the sight of the painful crescent shapes in her palms. She says nothing, but she drops a small metal object into Tenten's hand and closes her fingers over it. She leaves as quietly as she came, the scent of vanilla mingling with smoke.

Tenten opens her hand and feels like she's had the breath knocked right out of her.

She falls to her knees, staring at the small silver ring in her hand, the single word engraved on the inside, and suddenly it all makes sense. If she thought the world was cruel before, she thinks it's especially unjust in this moment, and she is hit with wave after wave of nausea and anger.

For the first time since his death, she allows herself to cry. The sobs wrenched from her throat are ferocious and deep and she can't breathe. Her chest expands with gulps of air – she wants to die – she is dizzy with exhaustion and trauma. The world has gotten the worst of her, for once.

Lee finds her curled up into a ball beside Neji's grave, asleep, her face streaked with tears and dirt, and he is stricken by how utterly vulnerable she looks. He can count on one hand the number of times Tenten has ever looked so fragile. But she has been strong enough, he thinks, so he bites back the tears and tucks his arms under her and carries her home.

 **we are eternal  
** _and we are temporary, all at once_

It is a rare moment.

Konoha summer days are usually unbearably warm, but today is cooler and much more tolerable. In the distance, Lee and Gai-sensei's booming voices echo amongst the trees, startling birds and other small creatures. Neji and Tenten lie on their backs in the middle of the training field, staring up at the cloudless cerulean sky, hands barely touching. The world seems to move above them, but here on the ground they're stuck in time.

"I wonder what it's like up there," Tenten muses, eyes big. She feels a little like Shikamaru right now, just passing time by lying in the grass. It's not a bad feeling, she supposes. She turns to look at Neji, who is already staring at her, and a flush creeps over her cheeks and neck.

Neji smiles softly. "I imagine it must feel a lot like freedom."

Out of the corner of her eye she watches him brush over his mark with nimble, hesitant fingers. Then the moment is gone, and he closes his eyes to bask in the golden summer warmth. There are many things she wants to say, but nothing seems to come close.

There is a sudden, gentle pressure. His fingers are intertwined with hers.

Tenten can't help but feel that this is exactly where they are supposed to be.

It feels something like love.

 **chasing a day dream  
** _somewhere new, somewhere new_

"Ooh, what about that one? Or _this_ one! It's so shiny, Tenten loves shiny things!"

"Duh, all of these rings are shiny, Bushy Brows –"

"If you two don't shut up, I'm going to knock your heads together," Neji spits irritably. He doesn't even know why he invited the two most obnoxious shinobi in all of Konoha to accompany him on this _extremely important_ , _top-secret_ trip to Suna. He wonders why he even bothered telling anybody at all because he could have been in and out of this damn jewelry store in five minutes.

The nerves must have gotten to him.

He peruses the large glass cases of jewelry, eyes flitting over rubies and sapphires set in gold and platinum and silver bands, dangling pearls, and emerald studs. They're all very flashy and glittery, but none of them really speak to the kind of woman Tenten has grown up to be.

Lee and Naruto are still squabbling in the corner over diamonds when Neji sees it.

It is a thin silver band, overshadowed by the precious gems around it, but it is the one that catches Neji's eye. He asks the man behind the counter if he can have it engraved, and within minutes he is holding a small velvet box in his hand.

He walks out of the store, Lee and Naruto squawking in confusion behind him, but the box is a comfortable weight. For once in his life he doesn't feel so afraid of the future because he has hope that he can create a better, more beautiful one with her.

When this is all over, he'll do it.

He'll find his freedom.

 **all we see is sky**  
 _for forever_

footnote – so i wrote a quarter of this a long time ago and i just got around to reworking it. it's sort of canon, sort of not, it 100% made me sad, lol, but i hope you enjoyed it!


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